Guest Column
Understanding Pornography
By Diane Marshall
internet sex addiction is changing how we look at each other. But
healing from compulsive sexual behaviour is possible
God has given us the gift of family, friends and
neighbours. Of community. Of relationships.
Yet how often do we view people, including ourselves, as individuals loved by God and made in
God’s image? How often do we tarnish that image by viewing others as objects we can use?
These issues are especially relevant when we think about
the issue of pornography raised in the March/April issue of
Faith Today. Pornography at its core is about how we perceive
and value and relate to others. What do we see when we look
at another person? When we look at someone in a photograph, a film, on a billboard, in a magazine, on the Internet?
What do we do mentally with what we see?
Webster’s Dictionary defines pornography as “The depiction of erotic behaviour intended to cause sexual excitement;
the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse
a quick, intense emotional reaction.”
Depicting sex is problematic – so often it involves the victimization of vulnerable people, including children. But even
if we temporarily put that aside, porn is problematic because
of “its implicit, if not explicit, approval of and recommendation of sexual behavior that … physically or psychologically
violates the personhood of one of the participants,” according
to Helen Longino, an American philosopher of science.
What happens when such violations are accepted in a
society? We are about to find out because cybersex is here to
stay and is transforming us. It is now “the number one profit
centre on the Internet” and “the number one activity for kids
while they do their homework,” according to Patrick Carnes,
an American pioneer in sex addiction therapy.
Most pornography is downloaded between 9 a.m. and 5
p.m., according to Carnes. It is a fact of life in the workplace.
Researchers agree cybersex is the “crack-cocaine of sexual
compulsivity,” reports Carnes. People risk losing their jobs
because of it. No real-life partner can compete with it.
Researchers also agree on other conclusions. Sexual addiction on the Internet can escalate quickly to behaviour that the
addict has never wanted to do before. Cybersex will extend
into an addict’s real life, even destroying marriages that were
previously sexually healthy (addicts may become sexually
demanding and usually experience a drop in the ability to
respond sexually to their spouses). Internet sex is one of the
leading factors in relapse for recovering sex addicts.
How should we understand sexual addiction, either with
or without the Internet? Many therapists define it as any
sexually related, compulsive behaviour that interferes with
normal living and relationships. In therapy it becomes evident that both pornography and cybersex are non-relational.
They do not build intimate, personal relationships of mu-tuality and trust. They distort our views of other people,
leading us to use other human beings as objects rather than
to consider them subjects like ourselves.
Carnes has this to say: “Addiction often begins simply –
reality becomes too much to bear, so we try to escape through
drugs, alcohol, gambling or sex. When escaping becomes habitual, we have a mental health illness known as addiction. . . .
Addiction, then, can be viewed as an intimacy disorder.”
To recover from addiction always starts with telling oneself the truth, facing reality and learning to block the processes
of denial and avoidance. Turning one’s emotional energy into
truth-telling is essential.
For people with sexual addictions, I have found there is
often a hunger to be connected. The spiritual roots of this are
varied: feelings of spiritual emptiness or being abandoned by
God, loss of faith in anything spiritual, feeling disconnected
from oneself and the world, emotional exhaustion or grieving
the loss of a relationship, loss of self-esteem or life goals.
People trapped in sex addiction risk themselves financially
and physically. They often feel hopeless, at times suicidal, and
increasingly estranged from family and friends. The guilt and
shame may feel overwhelming, and the failed efforts to control
the addiction eventually lead the person to seek help (
sometimes addicts only admit failure when they are caught).
But whenever, by God’s grace, a healing process begins,
the addict can start to accept responsibility for his/her behaviours and can start to desire to be a person of integrity. The
concept of accountability is central and helps the addict to
break through denial and admit the extent of the problem.
Only then can repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation
begin. Then the recovering addict will be empowered instead
to work for justice and reconciliation – “speaking the truth
in love … so that we [all] may grow” into full maturity and
wholeness in Christ (Ephesians 4).
Diane Marshall of the Institute of Family Living in Toronto has
been a couple and family therapist for 34 years.
